How it started
I could usually make it through the week. The plan was to drink moderately on the weekends. Sometimes this worked well and I had the illusion that I was the equivalent of a Tanqueray ad in Vogue magazine. Smart, stylish, successful, and very in control.
You know how this story goes. For every weekend this plan worked, there were three that didn't. At some wonderful point in my life, I knew that I was ready to hit delete on alcohol entirely. I was going sober.
A few things scared me about sobriety. What was I going to say to people? Would anyone still want to hang out with me? What about weddings, parties, and big life events where everyone celebrates together?
These fears kept me at home for the first few weeks... okay, the first few months.
I realized this was all existential. I needed to relearn who I was. The real work in sobriety is initiating a path of self-discovery. It’s easy to underestimate the power of identity on an alcohol-free journey when, in fact, it’s the entire thing.
Drinking defined me. It was where I spent my time and where I spent my money. Alcohol decided who I wanted to see and how I dressed. Just as any life coach will tell you, it's the habits that add up to the big picture. I didn’t realize how much drinking ran that show.
Looking back, I don’t recognize the person who used to drink alcohol. Her identity centered around escaping and trying to have fun. While I’ve always been a playful person, I realized that what I defined as fun was completely different back then. It used to be snide comments thinking I was clever or making slightly risky decisions. These days fun has taken a whole new, broader meaning. It’s hard to describe, but feels more like bravery: I’ve got the guts to try new things.
I also understand myself at a much deeper level. I’ve experienced the grief of losing a parent and the feeling of falling in love without alcohol. Both have felt sacred. These experiences have been so meaningful to me, that I would truly recommend going alcohol-free for either.
It’s strange and sounds counter-intuitive, but I almost feel like I have the most in common with myself as a child these days, maybe my eight or nine-year-old self. This would be the ‘me’ before social media, beauty pressures, navigating friendships, and trying to fit in. A sincere me. In theory, I find this feeling similar to the concept of Taoism in that I’m taking the path of least resistance. The comfort of knowing who I am feels like I’m floating down a serene river of life. It’s relatively easy-going.
In my early days of sobriety, events would send me into a tailspin. A birthday dinner, catching up with a friend, or even a networking event had the power to trigger me into a moment of high anxiety. Now I love to be out in the world. I see sobriety as a true power move. I can read the room, remember what I said, and go home and get amazing sleep!
“He who conquers himself is the mightiest of warriors.” - Tao Te Ching
I’m going to share something that has helped me every day. I used to work backstage in a theater, in costumes. After one particularly long and stressful rehearsal weekend, before one final run-through, a production assistant said to me: “We are going to take this one breath at a time. We are going to put one foot in front of the other and then we are going to step, and step again.”
Sometimes going sober means that “one day at a time” is even too big to manage. Breaking it down to a few breaths, a few hours, and then into a full evening is what kept me going. Little by little. Baby steps.
Like a baby, I was unsure of the world and my place in it. But as I continued this work, life became magical.
How it’s going
I have been sober for over one thousand days and I find the Oscar Wilde adage to be absolutely true: one must “expect the unexpected.” I would have never anticipated that I would open an alcohol-free bottle shop with my sister and do a million other amazing things.
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." - Tao Te Ching
What seemed like a death sentence to coolness turned into the single greatest choice I could have possibly made. From the very beginning, I was amazed at how much free time instantly appeared in my life, the kind of free time and energy that makes you dizzy with potential. Should I go hear the opening bell at the farmers market? YES! Should I start a business? YES! Should I take an art class? YES!
What I’ve learned
In the last few glorious years, I’ve learned so much about myself. I don’t like staying up late. I don’t like meetings without agendas and I don’t like being a vegetarian.
Here’s what I do like. I like the feeling of power when I’m staying sober at an event where people are drinking. I like the fact that my wardrobe is based on the color navy. I like that I know my future days off will be filled with relaxation or adventure, but not hangovers. I like that I know what I like.
There’s no fast-tracking this type of work. It will take time and it will take tenacity. You will discover things about yourself that will truly surprise and delight you. You will notice aspects about yourself that are embarrassing or that were used as tools from the past. Trust me, you’ll feel better now that you know it. You will lose friends. You will gain new friends. Your life will take turns that no map or five-year plan could have predicted. You will remember and feel it all.
Images courtesy of the author by Alison Mae Photography.
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